Everton have climbed to the top of the Premier League table | Jan Kruger/Getty Images

What a week this has been.

Football completely lost its mind this week. We saw some ridiculous scorelines, some unbelievable team performances and the kind of individual showings which don’t come about too often.

Ranking the performances from such a special week deserves help from an equally special year in cinema – 1976.

The time has come to re-evaluate our relationship, Max.”

“So I see.”

“I don’t like the way this script of ours has turned out. It’s turning into a seedy little drama.”

“You’re going to cancel the show?”

“Right.” (Network)

Juventus‘ meeting with Napoli was cancelled due to COVID-19, but Ronaldo still had to turn up (in style) for what was one of the strangest moments of the season so far.

Ansu Fati
Fati struggled against Sevilla | David Ramos/Getty Images

“Come on, fellas. Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

“Yeah, it took several hundred years.” (Bad News Bears).

A stark reminder that Ansu Fati is just 17 years old and not a Ballon d’Or winner just yet.

The Barcelona starlet was hauled off on the hour mark of his side’s 1-1 draw with Sevilla – the first league game this season in which he failed to score.

Jamie Vardy
Vardy drew a blank against West Ham | Marc Atkins/Getty Images

“You know how to survive, don’t you?”

“I thought I did.” (The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane)

Vardy, like the rest of his Leicester teammates, was very bad in his side’s thumping at the hands of West Ham.

A bit of a fall from grace after his hat-trick against Manchester City.

James Rodriguez
Rodriguez has taken the Premier League by storm | Jan Kruger/Getty Images

“Thank God for the rain to wash the trash off the sidewalk.” (Taxi Driver)

Remember when Zinedine Zidane had us all convinced that Rodríguez was bad? And now he’s one of the most exciting players in the Premier League?

The rain has come and blessed Rodríguez with a new life in England, and with two goals and an assist against Brighton, it’s clear he’s loving every minute of it.

Dutch Eredivisie"Willem II Tilburg - Feyenoord Rotterdam"
Berghuis has begun the season in scintillating form | ANP Sport/Getty Images

“You want me to do it again? I shall do it again! You did not like it the first time. Simone Choule does not disappoint!” (The Tenant)

Two goals in game one.

One goal in game two.

One goal in game three.

Two goals in game four.

Safe to say, Berghuis is in some pretty good form with Feyenoord right now.

Robert Lewandowski, Corentin Tolisso
Lewandowski had Bayern back to their best | Sebastian Widmann/Getty Images

“Good morning. You are one day closer to the end of the world. You have been warned.” (The Omen)

Lewandowski is back to scoring four goals in a single game. What’s the point?

Let’s just end the season now and give Bayern all their trophies back.

Heung-Min Son
Son came back from injury to torment Man Utd | Pool/Getty Images

“I don’t mind what you did; I mind how you did it.” (All the President’s Men)

That’s how all fantasy league players felt when they saw Son had made Tottenham‘s team to face Manchester United.

José Mourinho had given no indication he’d be back, so players missed out on some sweet, sweet points as he bagged two goals and an assist in the 6-1 win.

Jack Grealish
Grealish tore Liverpool apart | Marc Atkins/Getty Images

“I’ve accepted it, Mama! I’ve accepted, I’ve accepted it!” (Carrie)

Will Gareth Southgate ever accept that Jack Grealish is a really good footballer?

The Aston Villa man walked away from the 7-2 win over Liverpool with two goals and three assists, and followed that up with a top performance for England against Wales.

FBL-FRA-LIGUE1-LENS-BORDEAUX
Ganago is tearing it up in Ligue 1 | FRANCOIS LO PRESTI/Getty Images

“You kicked it up there!”

“Not on purpose, was only making a strong clearance.” (The Likely Lads)

Ganago is one of the most fun players to watch right now.

His goalscoring streak might have come to an end, but he still made sure to offer up an assist in Lens’ 2-0 win over Saint-Étienne.

Alejandro Gomez
Gomez’s hot start to the season continued | Emilio Andreoli/Getty Images

“Run, runner!” (Logan’s Run!)

That’s three consecutive games with at least one goal for Papu Gómez, who led Atalanta to a 5-2 win over Cagliari this week.

His side are yet to score less than four goals in a league game, so Atalanta are definitely one to watch this season.

Kylian Mbappe
Mbappe was on the score sheet again | Catherine Steenkeste/Getty Images

“Mister, this is my birthday. Gimme the best in the house.” (The Shootist)

Mbappé is the best player in France and it’s not even close (sorry, Neymar).

The 21-year-old’s return to the team three weeks ago just so happened to coincide with their return to world-beating form, and PSG were at their best as Mbappé bagged a goal and an assist in a 6-1 win over Angers.

Kramaric has been electric in the Bundesliga
Kramaric has been electric in the Bundesliga | Matthias Hangst/Getty Images

“Where’s the goddamn story?”

“The money’s the key to whatever this is.” (All the President’s Men)

Lewandowski might not run away with the Torjägerkanone this year (for once) if Kramarić has anything to say about it.

He managed another goal in Hoffenheim’s 2-1 loss to Frankfurt this week, so that’s just the six goals in three games for the striker.

Erling Haaland
Haaland netted twice this week | DeFodi Images/Getty Images

“Witch. Got Satan’s Power.”

“It has nothing to do with Satan, Mama. It’s me. Me. If I concentrate hard enough, I can move things.” (Carrie)

A combination of Frankenstein’s Monster and Satan himself, there’s nothing Haaland cannot do.

The freak of nature racked up two goals and an assist in Borussia Dortmund’s 4-0 win over Freiburg.

Dominic Calvert-Lewin
Calvert-Lewin is in the form of his life | Pool/Getty Images

“You’re weak. You’re father was weak in his way. You’re brother in his and now you in yours.” (Marathon Man)

There’s a sneak peak into Calvert-Lewin’s mindset when he sees every opponent.

One goal against Brighton took the Everton man to nine goals in just six games, and he added one for England for good measure.

Harry Kane, Erik Lamela, Moussa Sissoko
Kane terrorised United | Pool/Getty Images

“You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder!” (Rocky)

Is there a more complete striker in the world right now than Harry Kane?

He combined with Son to inflict one of the most humiliating defeats in recent history against United, firing home two goals and adding yet another assist.

Eight games played, eight goals, seven assists. Quality.

For more from ​Tom Gott, follow him on ​Twitter!



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